Carlotta's FairyTale
by Jibbette
Summary: CRACK FIC. Carlotta must get to the top of the mountain with her pet to get her heart's desire. Yeah, I'm not good with the summaries. EnvyxOC sorta.... kay.


**Carlotta's Fairy-Tale**

Once upon a time there was a student named Carlotta with the most beautiful right arm in the whole world. Unfortunately, she was very sad because her one heart's desire was to have Envy.

An old witch in her town named Edward Elric told her that she could find Envy at the top of Mount Roy Mustang. Our hero was filled with hope so she went home and got Alphonse Elric, her pet cat, and together they headed off into the forest below the mountain. The forest was dark and creepy and gave Carlotta and Alphonse Elric the heebie-jeebies, and it wasn't long before they both started hearing rustling noises. They were coming from nearby wheat. Before they could run away, a gruesome monster jumped out of the wheat, nearly scaring them to death!

"I am the mighty Gluttony! If you wish to pass you must answer three questions," it said.

"But we don't have time," Carlotta cried. "We're trying to get to the top of Mount Roy Mustang."

"Tough noogies to you," Gluttony cried. "Answer my questions or go back home. First, could you fit an undefined in your nose?"

"That's a silly question!" Carlotta said. "I guess I could if I had to!"

"Ha!" Gluttony laughed. "You're right! You have a huge nose. Now, answer me this. How many buns could you eat in one sitting?"

"Well, I don't care much for buns but if I had to I could probably eat 13."

The monster laughed even harder. "What does your pet's left leg smell like."

"I don't know why you would care but it smells like maple syrup."

The monster realized our hero was honest and true and allowed her to pass. So, Carlotta and Alphonse Elric went farther into the woods until they came to a clearing. There, on a pedestal sat an undefined.

"Well, that's weird," Carlotta said. "That monster was just talking about one of these. I suppose I should take it. It might be helpful later on, though I don't know how."

So Carlotta and her trusty pet, Alphonse Elric, set off again and found themselves at the base of Mount Roy Mustang. There they found a grappling hook and used it to scale the mountain. They struggled for 15 days and 19 nights. All the time they were attacked by giant dragon and enormous flying cakes with undefined tentacles and silver right hand. But, finally, they got to the top of the mountain. It was a good thing, too, because they were both ready to give up and go back home!

At the top of Mount Roy Mustang was a huge green castle with a drawbridge. On the drawbridge was a big basket filled to the top with buns. "Well, this is peculiar," Carlotta said. "I remember that lunatic monster in the woods was asking about these, just like he did about my nose and the undefined. I guess I could take these with us in case they come in handy, but to be honest, I have no idea how they could be useful." So she hoisted the basket onto Alphonse Elric's back and together they went into the castle.

Once inside they found an ugly homunculus, even more gruesome and smelly than the first monster. In fact, he smelled like buns that had fallen under the seat of a hot car.

"I am the mighty Winry Rockbell, King of the Goobers! I rule this castle and everything in it. I suppose you've come here because I have Envy."

Carlotta nodded. "It's my greatest wish to have Envy."

"Then you must show me something remarkable!" King Winry Rockbell said.

Carlotta was so angry she stretched, but getting mad wasn't going to solve her problems. She had to do something remarkable and the only thing she could think of was to stick her undefined up her nose. So she did! It was totally disgusting, and Carlotta looked like an idiot with the undefined sticking out of her nostril, but the King of the Goobers applauded. "That is remarkable."

"I'm glad you're impressed," our hero said. "Now may I have Envy?"

"No!" the king roared. "To get that you must beat me in an eating contest! I hope you like buns." The king hurried Carlotta into a dining room where a huge plate of piping hot buns was waiting on a table.

"No one has ever eaten more of these than I have but if you can I'll give you your heart's desire."

So, seeing that she had no choice, and being a bit hungry from climbing the mountain, our hero removed the basket from her pet's back and dumped all the buns onto the table. Together, she and the King ate and ate. They ate for 29 days and 17 nights. They even ate on Halloween, until the buttons popped off their pants. But, when it was all over, Carlotta had eaten one more buns than the King of the Goobers.

"I ate more than you," our hero cried. "Now give me what I came for!"

"Absolutely not," the king bellowed. "You cheated somehow. I won't give it to you."

Our hero was so angry she picked up her pet and shoved Alphonse Elric's left leg into the King's face. The King screeched in horror.

"NO! I can't stand the smell of cat left leg. It's my only weakness!" And a moment later the King of the Goobers melted into milk all over the floor. Carlotta and Alphonse Elric were glad to be rid of him and searched the castle, finally finding Envy! And since the castle was now abandoned they decided to live there, where they would never have to stick an undefined up their nose or eat nasty old buns again. And besides, they had no idea how to get back down the mountain.

And they lived happily ever after!


End file.
